"Xaden? You seem even more on edge than usual. Did I miss something?" I can't exactly blame him for asking. There's one magelight on in my room- it'd be sleep-dark if it wasn't for the full moon and the open window. I've been quiet all day, mostly because I'm struggling to keep my second signet in line, and I'm not surprised he noticed. Garrick always notices.
I sort through three or four different insults and don't throw any of them at him because I don't really mean any of them and they're nastier than he deserves, but by the time I get to the bottom of the list I realize I don't actually have a response.
"No," I grumbled instead, reinforcing my shields for the… what, fifth? Sixth time today? It's exhausting and I can't explain why to anyone except Sgaeyl, who has no pity.
"You do not want me to have pity," she mentions, presumably just to remind me that she's listening to me.
"I don't want pity, but a break would be nice."
"Your worry is eating away at your shields, you know."
"You mentioned that earlier, but I don't know what to do about it."
"You need to relax."
"You need to relax," Garrick says aloud at almost the same time.
"I can't relax," I tell both of them. "My signet requires all of my control, on top of everything else." I didn't specify the signet, because I hate lying to Garrick.
"You look like you need to get laid," he continues, and at that Sgaeyl seems to disappear. "How long since you took someone to bed?"
I glare at him and he just laughs. "I don't trust myself right now. If I lose control… I don't want to hurt somebody, it's not as if I have that many people I actually like as it is." I laughed because it sounded ridiculous when I put it like that. Garrick leans his shoulder against mine and laughs too, and I think about how warm he is is all the time now. Gods, I don't know what I'd do without him.
"What about Marya? She'd probably be able to handle all your shadow shit."
"Oh yeah, that's what my wingleader needs right now is me begging her to fuck me because I'm not in control of my signet yet," I scoff. "She's better than she has any right to be, considering her father, but no." Marya is exactly who I'm not fucking because I don't really want to know what she thinks of me. That's half the problem trying to control this fucking signet. It's one thing to know intellectually that everyone around you hates you, and it's very different to hear it constantly from every direction.
"You could just take care of yourself, that's got to help some." Why is Garrick still talking about this?
"Do you always think this much about my sex life?"
"Only when you need to get laid so bad it's obvious," he winks at me. "What's wrong, can't get it up or something?"
"Garrick, for fuck's sake."
"Yes, for the sake of fucking." He puts an arm around my shoulder. "You need to get out of your head, and that's the best way to do it."
"You're not helping."
"That could be arranged." His hand slides down my ribs until his fingers rest on the waistband of my leathers.
I sputter and start to pull away. "Very funny, Gar. Blue balls are not what I need right now."
"Who said I was going to leave you hanging?" He tightens his grip on my side just enough that I can't get away without really meaning it. "There's nothing in the world more important to me right now than keeping you sane."
"And I appreciate that, but that doesn't mean you need to do something you're not interested in on my account." He's so fucking warm and it's so distracting.
"I probably shouldn't tell you this because your ego is bad enough as it is, but looking at you is nothing to complain about. Fucking you is not a hardship, asshole." Garrick was laughing, and I couldn't help but appreciate his ability to compliment me and take me down a peg at the same time.
I let myself relax, just a little. Some of my shields crumbled; most of them held. Garrick had barely begun to shield, and his intentions toward me were easy to read.
They were exactly the same in his head and in his mouth, because of course they were. It was Garrick. The realization was enough for me to sag against him. "At least something around here is simple."
"Oh, I'm a something now?" He reached up like he was going to put me in a headlock and give me a fucking wet willie or something. I twisted away from his grip and pushed at his shoulders, tipping him back on my bed.
"Why don't you pin me like you did on the mat today and we'll talk," I climbed on top of him.
Garrick bent his knees and then pushed up with his hips, practically grinding against me for a second before using his knee to shove me off him and over his head into my headboard. I heard a crack and the bed shuddered.
We both freeze for a moment, waiting, but nothing else moves and there aren't any adults to come yell at us for roughhousing. I flip over and lunge at him, leading with my elbow, but Garrick is faster than usual and he slides just far enough aside that I crash into the mattress.
Now I'm on my stomach and he's pinning me down, his body so solid and heavy on top of me that it's like I can't think about anything but breathing and the way I can feel his cock twitching against my ass. He's got both of my wrists held over my head in one of his fucking huge hands, and I can feel the shadows come out from under the bed and start to tug on him, testing him.
"Xaden." His voice is suddenly gentle, his breath hot on my neck. "What do you need?"
"I need to stop fucking thinking for fifteen fucking minutes," I groan. "I think I need to get fucked."
"I'm at your service," he murmurs, and I shiver under him. His weight shifts and his free hand is suddenly busy with the buttons on my leathers. My shadows are eager to help, I can feel them tugging at my trousers and his, clumsily pulling a bottle of oil out of my nightstand where Marya left it. I try to make them behave a little less like eager kittens, but Garrick doesn't seem to mind them climbing him.
Garrick's intentions are clear and aligned, and his thoughts are the only ones I hear as one finger and then two prepare me for him. My own thoughts are nowhere to be found, Amari-blessed silence in my head as Garrick slowly stretches me, taking his time, dragging this out as long as he can.
And my gods the man can go slow. Every time I think I'm about to regain some control he moves just enough to blank my mind again. Eventually I can't take it any longer and use his own shadow, long and broad in the bright moonlight, to pull him against me.
He gasps like I just kicked him in the balls. "Amari's tits, Xay, you can't just do that."
"Don't tell me what I can do." My breathing is ragged. I loosen the hold on him so he can pull away, but I don't let go. I'm setting the rhythm now, or at least I think I am. Garrick moves so smoothly in concert with my shadows that I'm not entirely sure, and it's really hard to think right now.
Garrick leans down, his chest a furnace against my back. "Let go." His free hand reaches around, slipping under my hip to wrap around my cock.
It's too much. "You-"
"No. Not me. This is for you. Let. Go."
I do, my shields cracking enough that I see myself underneath him, shadows wrapping around both of us, his complete lack of fear despite that. I watch myself come through his eyes, all of my muscles tensing and my head thrown back.
Then I'm back in my own head, shields falling closed as if some kind of mental muscle memory has kicked in. My sheets are a mess, I'm a mess, and I feel Garrick pull away from me. My legs aren't working, but that's okay. Neither is my brain. I watch him finish himself off using my shirt, enjoying the way shadows fall across his paler skin in the moonlight as he closes his eyes.
"You good?" he asks, as if I can be anything but right now.
"Yeah." I mumble it, suddenly exhausted. I'm going to regret it in the morning, because I'll wake up a sticky mess, but I can't move right now regardless.
"Good, man. Get some rest. Next time I'll buy you dinner first." He snorts at his own joke as he buttons his leathers up and leaves the room. A shadow locks it behind him.